Christmas Anagrams to Satan

And David Lynch means family fun.

Feeling Idle? Idolatrous?

The Thinking Man's Wall Street Journal

"Nelson Algren came to me and said 'celebrate the ugly things.'"

Hey Now

Don't be upset about your childish photographs. Everyone knows you're just a kid at art!

Heat 'em up

The last volume of The Declaration unsurprisingly had a lot of unused, neglected, and otherwise unfunny joke ideas. Here is but a sampling of what was leftover. Don't choke!
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Dressing rooms and their various hilarious qualities (hanger/hanger steak puns optional)

Think: There is a self-conscious vampire in a dressing room, and he cannot see himself due to the mythical qualities of mirrors in relation to occult vampirism. Overly concerned with not looking too "fey"

Is a vampire who is allergic to blood ironic?

Imagine a world where all the porn disappears. Graphically represent masturbation trends fifty years into the future; cross-apply to preponderance of Sunday paper lingerie ads

When is the last time your parents took a golden shower? A serious, in-depth analysis of your fave fetishes and how to remain outside the splash zone

The US has introduced a new National Threat Alert Bar: Webcam Hotties. The color of the bar? Purple, but you can kind of see nip. Today's threat level: Areola. Chance of Soulja Boy: Depends on preponderance of white girls

The World in Hippies:

• Patchouli stock up, razors plummet
• Hemp condoms deemed ineffective, yet save on precious post-coitus smoke time
• Protest group stages a nap-in at Republican presidential rally, yet alarm did not go off as planned. The stench has a 30% lead in polls, however

Michael Kors is on Some Serious Drugs

I mean seriously. This is how producers cast and direct Project Runway:

1. Find the most dramatic idiots in every demographic you can sell ads to. Ambiguous heterosexuality is a must for one to two characters.

2. Give Michael Kors a saddlebag filled with coke. Have him snort it all through a paper towel roll made of tweed.

3. Extend Heidi Klum's bangs one-half inch each episode. Oh, and make sure they form some kind of uneven mushroom around her skull.

4. Keep Tim Gunn looking confused and/or condescending.

Mix, bake, and get baked.

What If

What if things go wrong, no matter how hard you try or don't try at all

What if you learn enough to realize that you don’t know anything

What if your crown jewel becomes tarnished

What if your successes were defined as being good failures

What if you are constantly busy, and never get anything done

What if the more you work, the less money you have

What if the more you think, the less you know

What if you have no idea what's going on, and can’t improvise

What if nothing makes sense to you, and you don’t make sense to anyone else

What if you can’t understand anything, and you cant explain anything either

What if the only thing you are sure of is that you aren’t sure of anything

What if you redundantly think in contradictory 'what if' patterns until you stop thinking all together.

Finals Fantasy

Clemons library smells like a half-rotten banana filled with angst.

Melvins - Youth of America (Wipers cover)

Just Another Ex-Girlfriend

You make me read breakup letters dramatically for stupid reasons

One Big Unified Continent?

Ever heard of the Amero or the North American Union? Sound like a bad joke?

Well, it’s actually real, and it’s in the works. The White House is making plans to unify and eliminate all borders between the US, Canada, and Mexico. The American Dollar will be placed with the Amero, similar to the Euro.

Now, this may seem like a good thing, facilitating free trade and creating an even stronger currency. But what about the current flood of illegal immigration from Mexico? Without a national distinction between Mexico and America, anyone can and will come and go as they please into the US. Just look at how many people are coming in now.

What about the government? Right now, Mexico governs itself, Canada governs itself, and the US governs itself. Who will govern the whole continent, and what kind of government structure will be created? Will a new constitution be written? Can the old one still apply? The prospect of creating a new government for all of North America frightens me, and it should frighten you too. Especially when you think of all the personal privacy invasion taking place by the Department of Homeland Security in the name of preventing terrorism.

One big unified continent with one all-watchful government sounds way too 1984ish for comfort. I don’t pretend to be an expert on this, I only just heard of it yesterday. That’s the problem. Most people haven’t even heard of this. That’s Bush’s plan. Keep it quiet until it’s done. Then it’s too late to even have a say in it.

This will directly impact our future. Read up on it.

http://www.wisebread.com/europe-has-the-euro-are-you-ready-for-the-amero

http://www.humanevents.com/article.php?id=14965

http://www.newswithviews.com/Vieira/edwin49.htm

Quixotica

Pacmarked

So this is almost 5 months late, but apparently Tupac should have showed up ALIVE somewhere in July of this year. Hopefully his continued deceased-ness will quell all the similarly-styled Mayan propaganda telling us the apocalypse is in 2012. We all know the Mayans used sundials to calculate this figure, and guess what? Sundials only work during the day. So there.

January 31, 2007 at 6:03 pm
Judah: yes i belive it 2! 2pac iz comming back in 2007! 7th day theory

February 4, 2007 at 12:29 am

WS PIRU: 2pac kumin bak 07-07-07 n if u luk in yo calender its xactly 7 dayz which is a saturday part of da 7 theory

WAT you ThiNk????

July 7, 2007 at 11:11 am

pacfan77: WERE HE AT DAWGS

It's Official

IT HAS BEEN FOUND: The Official Photo Gallery of Scandinavia.

Good thing they still have a booming faux reindeer industry.

THX, or Mood: Quixotic

Things to learn from this holiday we call "Thanksgiving":


1. White wine is only meant to be consumed in great amounts. Rapaciously.

2. Thanksgiving dinner sucks if you're a vegetarian. Sure, I made myself a little grilled egg-and-cheese sandwich for the main course, but I was still expecting a lot of good sides. Yet the stuffing had meat in it--I mean, what the fuck now???? Fouling up my sweet potato casserole by putting sausage on top, I can deal with. But don't touch the stuffing, dude. That shit is sacred.

3. Atheists should not read psalms at the table if the rest of the table is decides that is what is going to happen. It's about as bad a decision as bringing up Nietzsche at the Jerry Falwell Memorial Museum and Gift Shop.

4. mashed potatoooooooooooeoeooeoeoooooooooooeoeeoeooooos.

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You know you love that Retch.

More like Throw-up

Why do Throwbacks always have to refer to things people adored/were-too-naive-to-adore in the recent past? Can they ever refer to things that induce hopeless loathing?

J.C. Penney's Throwback to L.L. Bean: Lacing L.L. Bean's website with pop-ups.

Look out for this season's sleeper hit starring the two corporate giants, 12 Angry Abbreviated Capitalists.

Auto Neurotic

Just think: a bumper sticker that coaxes other cars to crash into you. The perfect holiday item for your favorite crash fetishist, machine-lover, greaser head, or curious youngster.

Neither of those sentences above is a complete sentence. Except maybe the first one. "Just think" is an imperative. Does that count? What if it is a categorical imperative? Are the grammar police Kantians?

Count how many times you read the word "blog" (or some other miscegenation of the term) on this site.

Winners get a lifetime supply of Chalky Grandma Mints.

Fashion Lush

Dear Tinkerbell,

Your movements were graceful as you glided down the steps on Ruffner Bridge. Even your air of nostalgic superiority enchanted me. Or maybe it was just all the angel dust.

Sure wasn't the camel toe.

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On the Furry side of life

Do You Know It's Halloween

I know that Halloween technically lasts all day (and into the next day, hopefully in a different bed), but the students that do decide to dress up during the waking hours need to get their asses checked. Dressing up as a Rocky Horror character does not, no matter what the law books say, entitle you to swing your goddamn cane around like an escaped hospice patient with a debilitating case of physical Tourette's.

There should be a movement to Live Action Role Play famous Maury Povich guests. But only if they are 15. And love humpin'. And blankets.