Heat 'em up

The last volume of The Declaration unsurprisingly had a lot of unused, neglected, and otherwise unfunny joke ideas. Here is but a sampling of what was leftover. Don't choke!
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Dressing rooms and their various hilarious qualities (hanger/hanger steak puns optional)

Think: There is a self-conscious vampire in a dressing room, and he cannot see himself due to the mythical qualities of mirrors in relation to occult vampirism. Overly concerned with not looking too "fey"

Is a vampire who is allergic to blood ironic?

Imagine a world where all the porn disappears. Graphically represent masturbation trends fifty years into the future; cross-apply to preponderance of Sunday paper lingerie ads

When is the last time your parents took a golden shower? A serious, in-depth analysis of your fave fetishes and how to remain outside the splash zone

The US has introduced a new National Threat Alert Bar: Webcam Hotties. The color of the bar? Purple, but you can kind of see nip. Today's threat level: Areola. Chance of Soulja Boy: Depends on preponderance of white girls

The World in Hippies:

• Patchouli stock up, razors plummet
• Hemp condoms deemed ineffective, yet save on precious post-coitus smoke time
• Protest group stages a nap-in at Republican presidential rally, yet alarm did not go off as planned. The stench has a 30% lead in polls, however